Sometimes in early December, I just realise that this year is going fast I can't slightly recall all of the memories. The end of this decade is approaching and I feel anxious for the upcoming year. This posting is a kind of remedy for the forgotten year, a once in a lifetime that I feel like I am working my ass off harder than ever.
The first Photo of the Year 2019 I saw in my Twitter timeline was the New York Times Photo of the Year 2019, curated photography of the phenomenon happening all over the world. I think this year is pretty hot and noisy. Let's just mention several urgent issues like Hong Kong protest, Newly Elected Indonesian President and Indonesian youngster biggest protest since '98, Climate Strike and Greta Thunberg, Karhutla and Amazon Fires, Free West-Papua Movement, and so on and so on, all captured in a single moment of the photograph, framing a perspective and encaptured a time we want to refer in the future. And seeing my latest heavy visit to i-D vice.com (I read Cole Sprouse's year in a photo that I want to write about my own), I want to replay what a year it has been to me.
-
I went to the capital, in the new year, spending for a week there as I worked on a personal project, and lastly, visiting two of my friends in college. It'd been years since the last time I went there so many things to catch up. In my train back to Jogja, I felt a kind of strange feeling build up in my stomach that I couldn't decipher. I felt like, this year was going to be very busy.
I was working on new projects. My friend's boyfriend moved from Japan and decided to start his new studio in Jogja, Studio Belimbing, named after the starfruits trees in front of his house. With me also going back to campus for work, I guess it was the right time to balance my north-to-south,-south-to-north lives.
I went to Malaka with my best friend in the first week of this month. We'd been planned it since last year. Many plans had changed from wanting to go to Cambodia, changed into visiting Sri Langka, but at last, with a lot of considerations and for our conveniences, we finally decided to go to the bandaraya for 3 days, then to Singapore for 2 days. It was short escapism that I really needed at that moment tho. On my journey, I felt like I got to understand myself more than ever. And who knows, that it was the last time for both of us, on a journey together.
By the end of the month, she told me that she decided to marry our classmate back in Senior High School. And that very moment I recalled what her mother said to me on our friends' wedding, that maybe it was a good chance for us to travel together since we didn't really know what would happen. Just said that it as mother's instinct, -or perhaps her secret pray in every her sujud-. Her mother joked that maybe my friend would marry someone soon. And I felt kinda starstruck with her joke because I just felt that it might be true.
Another moment that made me sentimental was the fact that my AE-1 was broken. This time, noone could repair that old buddy. Koko Central told me that I needed to rest it forever, meaning that I was no longer able to take picture in slides ever again.
'The future is a blurry image and full of unknown'
On the day my best friend was getting engage and soon to be married after Ied, the sunset was so beautiful I felt a tear falls from the corner of my eyes. It was not because then she was no longer being the same person but, the fact that we were heading to a different world that I might not be able to share what is in my mind with her anymore.
By May, I was so busy on several projects; campus lives, learning parametric design and its software, preparing for upcoming Japanese exhibitions, catching up with old friends, that I didn't expect last year project would bring me to the new one. I was unofficial, -later became officially-, invited to join a parallel exhibition of FKY. I thought I was lucky enough to get this opportunity and guess that I needed to create something on my own every year.
I spent my Eid holiday at home. Spending one full day at my grand-grand-mother house and chilling out with my lil'bro never felt this good. My grand-grand-mother was so old I don't even know her ages, maybe she was in her late 80s. She sometimes told me how she was growing up during the Japanese invasion and it was not a good experience for her. This year not so many distance families came back to their home town so, her house was so spacious and quiet, compared to my house, -my parents must be so busy hosting our neighbours and relatives- and my grandparents' house.
I spent more or less a week at FrogHouse at the beginning of the month. I was doing my project for Wirama Exhibition, a parallel event of FKY, making bamboo tensegrity installation with their members. I stayed at the common house of FrogHouse, -yeah, I'd been one of the members that don't stay there but has a privilege to use one of the vacant room in the common house-, and worked my ass off,-wake up early and got 8 hours sleep-, so the project could be done just in time before the installation. I was so proud of my self when seeing the installation finished a day before the opening. Too bad, I needed to go back to my home town because one of my friends getting married on an opening day. Some friends came up to the exhibition and sent me their pictures in my installation. I was so happy looking at their smile while experiencing my bamboo installation that hides a paper-cut story inside the bamboo-scope.
The exhibition was so short. Two weeks later I dismantled my works to move it to campus. One of my lecturer I worked for research projects agreed to make it as apart of welcoming exhibition for the new students. By the next day, I got the news that FrogHouse'c common house was on fire the night before. It hit me hard just to realize that my oasis was now gone.
What I remembered the most about this month was my best friend wedding. It was really a fine day in the mid of summer. Everything toned down into goldish, brownish, warm feeling filling up my heart with a clear emerald blue sky as the background. I was making watercolour drawings for her; a replication of watercolour illustration for her invitation card and portraits of her by her man's side.
I had never been felt so sentimental. But that night, the last night before her wedding, I told her a story that I kept for a long time, a story that I wanted to share with her when we were in Malaka but never been told. In the end, a relief washed me and I knew that I need to keep moving on with my own lives. I was no longer able to share a lot of thing with her as a best friend. But, I knew that we are still best friends until our old time.
On my way back home, I suddenly remembered what she said to me in our way to Singapore via bus, when we looked at a group of old ladies that happened to be in the same bus.
"Let's travel together again when we were old, just like them."
Maybe, just maybe, when we are old enough, we can travel together to an unknown city.
The world seemed so hot everyone marched to the street, even until now. I kept in tab with Friday for Future and Hong Kong protest via my Twitter account. But then a lot of protests was happening in the country along the equator, by September. It was political. The government made a stupid move that would wound up to the civil rights on a lot of things.
After the election, Indonesia political climate began to stir up. I was no man of politic so I didn't see it coming because the elected president kinda has a good move in his last presidential period. But who knows that then this time government was so fuck up even the laziest millennial generation flood the street on the march, protesting the elected elite's sanity. It started in Jakarta a week before, then a movement 'Gejayan Memanggil' started to be trending on my Twitter timeline. I was all hot and on fire because seeing the nonsense of the government and parliament moves on deciding new rules. I was down the street, joining the protest. The first time in my life I became part of the student demonstration, the thing that I never felt relate during my university day.
My friend bought me a new (not-so) disposable plastic camera (I'd wanted this Lomo Simple Use Film Camera for so long just because it is reloadable!). After convinced him to buy the plastic camera for me since he went to Hong Kong again last month, he agreed to help me to get it. I was so thrilled so far to be back on hunting, exploring the disposable camera and visiting Jogja Biennale in the middle of preparation for another exhibition projects of Studio Belimbing by next month.
I visited Temanggung again this time, by myself, in less than 3 hours motor-bike ride. I've planed it for a while since the owner of FrogHouse moved to their home town because the wife delivered the baby, Jiva, three months ago. And then soon, by next month, they would move to Canggu, Bali for good. It was a sentimental day for me. They were someone I looked for recently and I really appreciated our interaction since I knew them in 2017. I learnt a lot from them and my participation in FrogHouse's bamboo project. So, to bid a farewell was too hard.
On my way back to Jogja, I suddenly thought about what the husband said to me.
"I think, you need to find someone, a partner or whatever you then acknowledge him to be. And maybe, just maybe, you will be happier."
Of course, in my current situation, it was the last thing I would pursue. To be honest, I was on another mission and it just didn't make sense for me to feel happier by finding someone I look for. And just like what he said to me in Taiwan when we worked for another FrogHouse' project, I let it slide it away easily. At the end of the day, I didn't expect that those words will find its way to haunt me somehow.
The Nara Project had been decided. And after 5 years, I was going to Japan, again. It was ecstatic, and I'd imagined a lot of scenario of meeting my old friends there. But somehow, in the middle of the month, I came to the realization that I didn't take care of myself this time. I put efforts, a lot of efforts, working on someone else project and it somehow was a toxic situation for my current state of being. I became angry with myself, and other things. And among those that happened around me, there was a way that the universe played with my little self. I found another way to laugh at every stupid mistake and the craziness I experienced in my everyday life. Somehow, part of me didn't hate it, and it was kinda refreshing to let it embrace me. Those things that I always think it will contradict with what I believe, were suddenly seen as another perspective.
The morning when the new year came, I saw a distance sun peeking beyond the horizon. I felt a sudden warm feeling touching my heart. And I promised my selfish self;
-
Nevertheless, those all curated image I got from my phone and my analogue gears, are just a tiny bit of a moment that encaptured; how I want all of you who read this posting to peak a glimpse of what Saniscawara Rani's see in my life.
[ ]
The first Photo of the Year 2019 I saw in my Twitter timeline was the New York Times Photo of the Year 2019, curated photography of the phenomenon happening all over the world. I think this year is pretty hot and noisy. Let's just mention several urgent issues like Hong Kong protest, Newly Elected Indonesian President and Indonesian youngster biggest protest since '98, Climate Strike and Greta Thunberg, Karhutla and Amazon Fires, Free West-Papua Movement, and so on and so on, all captured in a single moment of the photograph, framing a perspective and encaptured a time we want to refer in the future. And seeing my latest heavy visit to i-D vice.com (I read Cole Sprouse's year in a photo that I want to write about my own), I want to replay what a year it has been to me.
-
January
I went to the capital, in the new year, spending for a week there as I worked on a personal project, and lastly, visiting two of my friends in college. It'd been years since the last time I went there so many things to catch up. In my train back to Jogja, I felt a kind of strange feeling build up in my stomach that I couldn't decipher. I felt like, this year was going to be very busy.
February
I was working on new projects. My friend's boyfriend moved from Japan and decided to start his new studio in Jogja, Studio Belimbing, named after the starfruits trees in front of his house. With me also going back to campus for work, I guess it was the right time to balance my north-to-south,-south-to-north lives.
March
I went to Malaka with my best friend in the first week of this month. We'd been planned it since last year. Many plans had changed from wanting to go to Cambodia, changed into visiting Sri Langka, but at last, with a lot of considerations and for our conveniences, we finally decided to go to the bandaraya for 3 days, then to Singapore for 2 days. It was short escapism that I really needed at that moment tho. On my journey, I felt like I got to understand myself more than ever. And who knows, that it was the last time for both of us, on a journey together.
By the end of the month, she told me that she decided to marry our classmate back in Senior High School. And that very moment I recalled what her mother said to me on our friends' wedding, that maybe it was a good chance for us to travel together since we didn't really know what would happen. Just said that it as mother's instinct, -or perhaps her secret pray in every her sujud-. Her mother joked that maybe my friend would marry someone soon. And I felt kinda starstruck with her joke because I just felt that it might be true.
Another moment that made me sentimental was the fact that my AE-1 was broken. This time, noone could repair that old buddy. Koko Central told me that I needed to rest it forever, meaning that I was no longer able to take picture in slides ever again.
April
'The future is a blurry image and full of unknown'
On the day my best friend was getting engage and soon to be married after Ied, the sunset was so beautiful I felt a tear falls from the corner of my eyes. It was not because then she was no longer being the same person but, the fact that we were heading to a different world that I might not be able to share what is in my mind with her anymore.
May
By May, I was so busy on several projects; campus lives, learning parametric design and its software, preparing for upcoming Japanese exhibitions, catching up with old friends, that I didn't expect last year project would bring me to the new one. I was unofficial, -later became officially-, invited to join a parallel exhibition of FKY. I thought I was lucky enough to get this opportunity and guess that I needed to create something on my own every year.
June
I spent my Eid holiday at home. Spending one full day at my grand-grand-mother house and chilling out with my lil'bro never felt this good. My grand-grand-mother was so old I don't even know her ages, maybe she was in her late 80s. She sometimes told me how she was growing up during the Japanese invasion and it was not a good experience for her. This year not so many distance families came back to their home town so, her house was so spacious and quiet, compared to my house, -my parents must be so busy hosting our neighbours and relatives- and my grandparents' house.
July
I spent more or less a week at FrogHouse at the beginning of the month. I was doing my project for Wirama Exhibition, a parallel event of FKY, making bamboo tensegrity installation with their members. I stayed at the common house of FrogHouse, -yeah, I'd been one of the members that don't stay there but has a privilege to use one of the vacant room in the common house-, and worked my ass off,-wake up early and got 8 hours sleep-, so the project could be done just in time before the installation. I was so proud of my self when seeing the installation finished a day before the opening. Too bad, I needed to go back to my home town because one of my friends getting married on an opening day. Some friends came up to the exhibition and sent me their pictures in my installation. I was so happy looking at their smile while experiencing my bamboo installation that hides a paper-cut story inside the bamboo-scope.
The exhibition was so short. Two weeks later I dismantled my works to move it to campus. One of my lecturer I worked for research projects agreed to make it as apart of welcoming exhibition for the new students. By the next day, I got the news that FrogHouse'c common house was on fire the night before. It hit me hard just to realize that my oasis was now gone.
August
What I remembered the most about this month was my best friend wedding. It was really a fine day in the mid of summer. Everything toned down into goldish, brownish, warm feeling filling up my heart with a clear emerald blue sky as the background. I was making watercolour drawings for her; a replication of watercolour illustration for her invitation card and portraits of her by her man's side.
I had never been felt so sentimental. But that night, the last night before her wedding, I told her a story that I kept for a long time, a story that I wanted to share with her when we were in Malaka but never been told. In the end, a relief washed me and I knew that I need to keep moving on with my own lives. I was no longer able to share a lot of thing with her as a best friend. But, I knew that we are still best friends until our old time.
On my way back home, I suddenly remembered what she said to me in our way to Singapore via bus, when we looked at a group of old ladies that happened to be in the same bus.
"Let's travel together again when we were old, just like them."
Maybe, just maybe, when we are old enough, we can travel together to an unknown city.
September
The world seemed so hot everyone marched to the street, even until now. I kept in tab with Friday for Future and Hong Kong protest via my Twitter account. But then a lot of protests was happening in the country along the equator, by September. It was political. The government made a stupid move that would wound up to the civil rights on a lot of things.
After the election, Indonesia political climate began to stir up. I was no man of politic so I didn't see it coming because the elected president kinda has a good move in his last presidential period. But who knows that then this time government was so fuck up even the laziest millennial generation flood the street on the march, protesting the elected elite's sanity. It started in Jakarta a week before, then a movement 'Gejayan Memanggil' started to be trending on my Twitter timeline. I was all hot and on fire because seeing the nonsense of the government and parliament moves on deciding new rules. I was down the street, joining the protest. The first time in my life I became part of the student demonstration, the thing that I never felt relate during my university day.
October
My friend bought me a new (not-so) disposable plastic camera (I'd wanted this Lomo Simple Use Film Camera for so long just because it is reloadable!). After convinced him to buy the plastic camera for me since he went to Hong Kong again last month, he agreed to help me to get it. I was so thrilled so far to be back on hunting, exploring the disposable camera and visiting Jogja Biennale in the middle of preparation for another exhibition projects of Studio Belimbing by next month.
November
I visited Temanggung again this time, by myself, in less than 3 hours motor-bike ride. I've planed it for a while since the owner of FrogHouse moved to their home town because the wife delivered the baby, Jiva, three months ago. And then soon, by next month, they would move to Canggu, Bali for good. It was a sentimental day for me. They were someone I looked for recently and I really appreciated our interaction since I knew them in 2017. I learnt a lot from them and my participation in FrogHouse's bamboo project. So, to bid a farewell was too hard.
On my way back to Jogja, I suddenly thought about what the husband said to me.
"I think, you need to find someone, a partner or whatever you then acknowledge him to be. And maybe, just maybe, you will be happier."
Of course, in my current situation, it was the last thing I would pursue. To be honest, I was on another mission and it just didn't make sense for me to feel happier by finding someone I look for. And just like what he said to me in Taiwan when we worked for another FrogHouse' project, I let it slide it away easily. At the end of the day, I didn't expect that those words will find its way to haunt me somehow.
December
The Nara Project had been decided. And after 5 years, I was going to Japan, again. It was ecstatic, and I'd imagined a lot of scenario of meeting my old friends there. But somehow, in the middle of the month, I came to the realization that I didn't take care of myself this time. I put efforts, a lot of efforts, working on someone else project and it somehow was a toxic situation for my current state of being. I became angry with myself, and other things. And among those that happened around me, there was a way that the universe played with my little self. I found another way to laugh at every stupid mistake and the craziness I experienced in my everyday life. Somehow, part of me didn't hate it, and it was kinda refreshing to let it embrace me. Those things that I always think it will contradict with what I believe, were suddenly seen as another perspective.
The morning when the new year came, I saw a distance sun peeking beyond the horizon. I felt a sudden warm feeling touching my heart. And I promised my selfish self;
'May a lot of things which we never and can't let go in the previous years can be redeemed this very year, 2020. May God have mercy on us all.'
-
Nevertheless, those all curated image I got from my phone and my analogue gears, are just a tiny bit of a moment that encaptured; how I want all of you who read this posting to peak a glimpse of what Saniscawara Rani's see in my life.
[ ]
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